Journal/Devotional

Finding Self Worth | The Journey Begins Here

January 24, 2016

Today I slipped into the ugly state of self doubt. I let myself get overwhelmed and angry before I stepped out of bed. I was annoyed, tired, and frustrated with facing another day of what I consider to be failing. The guilt of not being enough against the ridiculously high standard I have set for myself.

There are way too many days I feel this way, consumed with self doubt and the strong uncertainty of my role as a wife/mother to six. Trapped with loud thoughts rolling around in my head; everyone else has life more together than I do, who do I think I am? I don’t feel cool, or hip, I don’t have some catchy edge. I struggle daily with hormonal acne, baby weight I can’t seem to lose (well I haven’t tried to), I wear maternity jeans when I want to “look together.” My house is not perfect, my kids don’t have matching clothes (or even wear clothes), did I brush their hair today?

Will I be enough if I simply get out of bed in the morning, ready to face another day? If I make easy meals, and have fresh clean clothes in the drawers. Is it enough to just wake up next to my husband, checking ‘present’ even though most of the passion and excitement has faded into routine and comfort?

I have a few huge dreams for 2016, ones that need to start somewhere so they can become reality. One main goal is to to gain self confidence, so I can do things I want without the shadow of self doubt creeping in destroying my day.

Will it be okay if I don’t sign my kids up for every activity under the sun?

Will it be okay if I feed them milk (even those those crazy memes claim there is pus and ‘hormonies’ in it)?

Will it be okay if we don’t juice vegetables? What if we want to try it, will I look like I am trying to hard to be a healthy mom?

Will it be okay if I attempt gardening, but then let all the plants die and buy vegetables from the store?

Will it be okay if we don’t have another baby? What will people think if we actually really want another child though?

Will it be okay if I don’t answer the person asking me if my kids are twins, if they are all mine, if they run in my family, and why I don’t know if they run in my family history?

Will it be okay if I don’t go to play groups to stay home and do our dishes? Mostly so I don’t have to put on real pants, but also because I feel more secure at home with routine, and keep our feral children at home.

Will it be okay if in this busy time I forget to reach out to my friends for a few days, a week, or maybe even a month? I love them dearly, but as I struggle to find time to fill up my introverted self, will they forget about me?

What if I can’t keep every commitment I made? I intend to follow through but I am exhausted, crying, and my issues with IBS have me trapped in the bathroom with two babies also crying touching my thighs with their cold hands.

I want to be able to gain a new voice of confidence, by giving up ‘perfection’. Release myself from competing with the unattainable, super-woman I have made by melting the best of my Facebook Newsfeed into one, unrealistic, perfect mom to live up to. I am not her, I am never going to be her. It is okay to give myself the grace to be imperfect Amy-Lynn. 

Far from perfect, super blurry, self facing, phone camera pic. That's me today with all but one baby. Real life. I missed church, I cried, I laughed, I argued with Joel, I was annoyed. Today happened.
Far from perfect, super blurry, self facing, phone camera pic. That’s me today with all but one baby. Real life. I missed church, I cried, I laughed, I argued with Joel, I was annoyed. Today happened.

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  1. Amy…you are a great Mom (and a great writer)…and I hope that you WILL finally allow yourself to be imperfect…just like me…just like the rest of your family…and just like, I assume, all of your friends. None of us is perfect…we all have flaws, and doubts, and insecurities…whether or not we have the courage, or integrity, to admit them…to ourselves, or to anyone else. So join the club Chickie…relax…enjoy your husband, enjoy your children, enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, enjoy your home even when it is messy (mine is messy too)…and enjoy YOU…the beautiful, and special you that God created. We love you, and are proud of you just the way you are!❤️

  2. As long as everyone is happy most of the time, that’s enough. Screw what people think and what you fear people think :p love ya

    1. The follow – up is, your family is beautiful, and smiley – you’re killing it every day.

      Side note – if you have one more baby, you should to have two, because the even number of boys and girls is just too perfect.

      1. Love you! You are refreshing and a totally awesome mom I look up to. I will try to keep the gender even if we decide to have more (3 sets of twins why not)! Ha ha ha.

  3. OMG you are so AMAZING. I love your honesty about how you are feeling. I ADMIRE you for being such a GREAT MOM. I know that there is only one person who is Perfect and that is God. I see nothing but a VERY HAPPY family in your pictures and words. You are doing a great job at being a mom/wife. Corrine

    1. Thank you for your encouragement! God is perfect, thankful He cares about us, and wants for us to feel whole and secure in Him!

  4. I just want to echo what the other lovely posters have said – you are beautiful and you are enough. I would write more but my kids are screaming at each other and I don’t think I can ignore it this time!

  5. Hi my dear sweet Amy, I am so sorry that you have been beating yourself up about not being perfect. However I greatly admire your honesty and your willingness to be vulnerable and real. That is like a breath of fresh air in this world where there is so much phoniness and so many people try frantically to put out an image that they think everyone will admire and look up to and envy. Truth is everyone has many imperfections and failures. Most of us will only talk about them with people we know will love us anyway, or with people who are honest and admit to being in the same place…imperfect! Amy, you are an amazing young woman Your love for Jesus is evident and. in my opinion you excel at being a wife, mother, sister, Grand daughter, niece, friend and I am so very proud of you and love you ever so much. <3 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (This 60 year old imperfect mess…work in progress…loves this verse) We Love You Amy <3

  6. Amy, I have never posted on one of these sites before, so now I know I do not have to be formal and put Posted from Linda Kerr 🙂 I’ll do it right this time! 🙂

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