Today I slipped into the ugly state of self doubt. I let myself get overwhelmed and angry before I stepped out of bed. I was annoyed, tired, and frustrated with facing another day of what I consider to be failing. The guilt of not being enough against the ridiculously high standard I have set for myself.
There are way too many days I feel this way, consumed with self doubt and the strong uncertainty of my role as a wife/mother to six. Trapped with loud thoughts rolling around in my head; everyone else has life more together than I do, who do I think I am? I don’t feel cool, or hip, I don’t have some catchy edge. I struggle daily with hormonal acne, baby weight I can’t seem to lose (well I haven’t tried to), I wear maternity jeans when I want to “look together.” My house is not perfect, my kids don’t have matching clothes (or even wear clothes), did I brush their hair today?
Will I be enough if I simply get out of bed in the morning, ready to face another day? If I make easy meals, and have fresh clean clothes in the drawers. Is it enough to just wake up next to my husband, checking ‘present’ even though most of the passion and excitement has faded into routine and comfort?
I have a few huge dreams for 2016, ones that need to start somewhere so they can become reality. One main goal is to to gain self confidence, so I can do things I want without the shadow of self doubt creeping in destroying my day.
Will it be okay if I don’t sign my kids up for every activity under the sun?
Will it be okay if I feed them milk (even those those crazy memes claim there is pus and ‘hormonies’ in it)?
Will it be okay if we don’t juice vegetables? What if we want to try it, will I look like I am trying to hard to be a healthy mom?
Will it be okay if I attempt gardening, but then let all the plants die and buy vegetables from the store?
Will it be okay if we don’t have another baby? What will people think if we actually really want another child though?
Will it be okay if I don’t answer the person asking me if my kids are twins, if they are all mine, if they run in my family, and why I don’t know if they run in my family history?
Will it be okay if I don’t go to play groups to stay home and do our dishes? Mostly so I don’t have to put on real pants, but also because I feel more secure at home with routine, and keep our feral children at home.
Will it be okay if in this busy time I forget to reach out to my friends for a few days, a week, or maybe even a month? I love them dearly, but as I struggle to find time to fill up my introverted self, will they forget about me?
What if I can’t keep every commitment I made? I intend to follow through but I am exhausted, crying, and my issues with IBS have me trapped in the bathroom with two babies also crying touching my thighs with their cold hands.
I want to be able to gain a new voice of confidence, by giving up ‘perfection’. Release myself from competing with the unattainable, super-woman I have made by melting the best of my Facebook Newsfeed into one, unrealistic, perfect mom to live up to. I am not her, I am never going to be her. It is okay to give myself the grace to be imperfect Amy-Lynn.