Living Out My Vision | 2017 Journal

January 16, 2017

My experiences so far with attempting to live out God’s will for my life, seem to always begin with me becoming frustrated and burned out. In my immediate focus and new found excitement I run full steam ahead, assuming patience and calmness will come flooding out of me because I have willed it to. Most of the time before even 8 am, I start taking deep breaths and wishing for the day to be over (another attempt perhaps tomorrow). The main point of this – that I am attempting to live by God’s standards without God, I try to do it in my own way and wonder why I feel so powerless and defeated.

A picture from our weekend away at Trott Cottage last fall. It is on my prayer board to remind me to “Be still and let God.”

This morning I was helping the girls pick out clothes for the day, I realized I had not seen Annaliese’s new track pants go through the laundry this past week. The pants had been a Christmas gift from her grandparents, they are thick and warm – fleece lined, knitted pants – perfect for winter weather. I have been carefully hanging them to dry after each wash and being sure they are ready for Monday ski days. After some thought, we realized that last week after school she had worn them to dance class and must have forgotten them in the change room.

Anger welled up inside of me, I quickly went into “I told you this was what was going to happen” rant aimed towards Joel. For the past year I have been reminding him to take EVERYTHING with him each time he drops the girls off – from boots and socks, coats, hats, and clothing – everything. I ask him to double check shoes and be sure each has a matching pair before they come home. They leave rolling their eyes at me, “yes, yes we know.” Yet each week when they return I deal with a missing jazz shoe, or sock. I realize they brought home the wrong running shoes (a completely different size), and trying to figure out how to get the jacket back that went home with another family. The frustration seems never ending, these pants were the last straw, everything I was holding onto came rolling off my tongue.

I am left this afternoon feeling guilty and sad. Guilty about failing to send the girls off with love and smiles, instead I was frustrated and annoyed as I brushed their hair and said goodbye. Why could I not give them (and Joel) the grace they each deserved? Instead of being at school content that I had wished them a good day, they know I am mad over a pair of forgotten pants.

Yesterday at church our pastor spoke from Nehemiah 4:16-23. He made various points on the passage. But what stood out for me personally was how we need to work hard for the cause, while at the same time being on guard ready to fight at all times. His last point as well – how we need to be sure that God is in the battle for us “Our God will fight for us!” (Nehemiah 4:20) God should be the main driving force behind the work we set out to do, and His blessing is to be on the cause.

I left church yesterday feeling empowered – I want to live by His leading, follow His commands, and stand guard against the enemy’s schemes! But what did I end up doing the very next morning? While trying to live with more intention to His will, I snapped out in frustration, and refused to give those I love the most grace and understanding. 

I am not going to be perfect, I am not going to the type to sit back and not “fight.” But I need to be standing with my weapon drawn at the right target, have God’s blessing on the cause, and be willing to let Him fight for me when the time arises.

Another quick point my pastor made was about being careful to not build our own towers of Babylon, this resonated with me personally as I continue to share on our blog. I need to be willing to knock down the towers I have built on my own accord “for Him” and start working away on the jobs He has planned for me; a wife and mother. Pouring my energy full force into a useless battle is not only energy draining, it can possibly cause irreparable destruction – to my daughter’s self esteem, and my husband’s trust in me as a loving helpful wife.

I did not need to be right this morning, or make a dramatic point about how “wronged” I was. Instead I need to remember to grab hold of my weapon and stand guard to Satan’s schemes. I could have shown my daughter how to solve the immediate problem with love, and given my husband respect for the role he has in my life. If I had been tuned into God’s willingness to fight my battle against Satan, this morning would not have defeated me – He is willing to step in, but I have to bow down and submit so He can. 

Do you ever feel like the day is over before it began? Do you have go-to methods you use to keep your focus on the real battles to fight during the day? Being a mom is one hard battle – I would love for you to share your thoughts or voice of encouragement if you feel comfortable. Thanks for stopping by and joining in my day.

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  1. Such a lovely, challenging, and humble post. I commend that you took the time to think about your thoughts and words, justified or not. Sometimes my organization skills don’t see to allow for life’s imperfect moments and I wonder if I’m missing out in the joy searching for perfect and making sure my stuff is all lined up. The battle is real and you’re doing a fantastic job putting it all into perspective. Chin up and God bless.

    1. Thank you for sharing Karen! Yes i think many times I have gotten caught up in the perfect idea of what life should be and I have often missed how perfect ordinary (or even messy) is. A journey for sure – to waking up and being satisfied with the perfectness that is where I am!

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